It Starts With Letting Go
by lakota1954
Summary: This story takes place after Episode 20. It's Coulson's reflections on what just happened and the team's support of their leader. Later may be May/Coulson.
1. Chapter 1

It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: Thanks to the MAOS writers for letting me play with THEIR characters.

Chapter 1.

Coulson rolled from his stomach onto his back on the bed. He was still dressed, slacks and shirt, sans coat, tie and shoes. He grunted as the bright sunshine poked at his eyes. He realized sleepily that he hadn't slept long enough to wake with the sun in a very long time. It really felt good, and he lay contentedly, breathing lazily the musty smell of the cheap motel room. It felt comfortable even as it occurred to him that this may truly be his future. That is, waking in strange places since he was on the run. He amazed himself at not being upset at all about it. He thought about his friends in nearby rooms and realized that it was them, not the bed or room that actually was making him feel comfortable. Of course every one of them had bittersweet memories of their pasts, just as he did. It was actually the glue that held them together as a group. He knew it probably wouldn't last forever, but damned if he wasn't going to start enjoying it now. He smiled idly as he felt an arm and hand reach over and land on his chest. May and he had talked into the night about T.A.H.I.T.I. and what it meant. The conversation had taken him through a gamut of emotions. From astonishment, to fear, to anger at Fury had all stormed through until he was exhausted and fell asleep on one of the beds. He hadn't expected to wake up with May beside him, but it wasn't so awful.

"You're awake." May always stated the obvious tersely and without inflection. He wasn't sure if she was glad or unhappy about it. He twisted a little to look at her face.

"I figured you'd take the other bed." He said, trying to match her tone. She sighed.

"Nightmares." She replied. "Jesus, Phil. Do you remember them?" It was his turn to sigh.

"Not really. But, after what we learned last night, I guess that's a good thing." He told her. "May… there's something I need to know… but you're probably going to laugh." She already knew what it was.

"There was nothing in your grave except for an empty casket and the information." She smiled, but didn't laugh at his fear. Instead, she thumped him on the chest as she rose to head for the shower.  
"What's in here is all original. Don't ever doubt it, Phil." She told him. She couldn't help but note though that he still had a touch of fear around his eyes. Phil didn't know it, but he had a tell when it came to fear. His eyes softened and became more rounded, and she knew.

"Do you…do you think I'll get the symptoms?" He asked in a voice so soft that she barely heard. She would never lie to this man again. She came around the bed to his side and sat down. Reaching out, she cupped his face and looked directly in his eyes.

"I don't know. Neither do you. And as difficult as it is to know that, we have to go on. One thing you can know for sure though is that I will always be here watching over you. Whatever happens, no one will harm you in any way as long as I draw breath. You can believe that, Phil."

Coulson nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. "I'm sorry I doubted you, May."

She smiled then. "Well, you did have a few things on your mind at the time, so I forgive you. But listen, my friend…" May accentuated her words by throwing a leg over him and sitting on his belly. "I can take you any time I want. You got it?" Coulson didn't even move, he just grinned at her.

"Is this a promise?" He said provocatively. She just snorted and made her way into the shower, grabbing her bag as she went.

Coulson got up and changed from his old suit to some jeans and a sweater. He didn't relish the thought at all of telling his team that he was the one who had at one time supervised what he knew now to be a heartlessly put together program. He even felt somewhat ambivalent now about what had been done to him. Didn't he deserve it? After all, he had put others through it, and even though they would have died from their injuries anyway, and they had volunteered, it still was torture. He was glad to see on the computer that he had brought this all up to Fury, and had resigned, but he couldn't help but feel a deep guilt over his own participation.

And then there was Skye. What would happen with her. What had he done to her? Had he made her a ticking time bomb as well?

He grabbed the computer and walked out to the table by the pool. He was a little surprised that his team was already ensconced around it. They looked up when he appeared.

"Donut?" Skye asked as she held up a chocolate one. "I got your coffee the way you like it, and they even supplied me with a thermos to keep it warm." He smiled at her thoughtfulness, gratefully took what she offered and sat with them placing the laptop in the center of the table.

"May's here." He said at their expectant looks. This was harder than he thought. He gestured at the laptop. "She found out who was behind the T.A.H.I.T.I. project." He paused as he looked at them. This was it. He could lose the newfound friendships he had forged in the next few minutes, but he was done with keeping things from them.

"It's… well, I guess you should just watch this." He said and turned on the video. He sat stiffly looking down at the deck while they watched, cringing at the gasps that escaped Jemma and Skye. May stepped out from the room quietly and stood behind him. She would have handled this more secretly, but this was Coulson, and damn, but the man was stubborn about not keeping secrets!

The video finished and Coulson closed the laptop. He sat quietly awaiting his fate, cool on the outside, a hot mess on the inside. And then the most surprising thing happened. Without a word, Skye got up and walked to him. She gently wrapped her arms around his head and held him tightly to her. While he was freaking out about this, Jemma leaned across the table and took his hand and held it. Fitz wasn't sure about touching, so he just pulled his chair closer to Coulson's and Tripp stayed put as well.

_Okay, why are they all not yelling, leaving, angry? _Coulson thought frantically. Finally, one of them, he thought it was Skye, spoke.

"I'm gonna fucking kill Fury!" Jemma squeezed Coulson's hand and added,

"Stand in line, Sister!"

Phil raised his head and looked at them quizzically. "But… I was responsible for this program. Aren't you mad at me?"

"You were ordered to direct a program that could possibly save people, AC." Skye spoke up. "When you realized the cost to human life, you resigned and asked that the program be stopped. Then, without your consent, Fury put you through what he knew to be a dangerous, potentially devastating procedure. How, exactly is that _your_ fault?"

Phil took in what she just said. Okay, he thought. I guess I really can't be held responsible for the outcome of something that started off with the potential to save lives. When I found out how horrible it was, I resigned, but shouldn't I have done more?

"I should have done more." He said to Skye. She shrugged.

"Like what? Tell the world about Fury's evil plan? First, who would believe you even if you stole documents about it as proof. Everything can be falsified these days. And, do you think Fury would have let you live? I don't think you would have made it to your next birthday if he even suspected you were going to do something like that." She replied fervently.

"But, I knew… I just followed Fury like Ward followed Garrett." Phil said softly.

"OH, NO!" Jemma said forcefully. "You had a conscience, Agent Coulson. Even though it seems like Fury mentored you from a very young age, you did not compromise your morality for him. Ward killed people in cold blood. He even killed friends. Do not compare this to what he did. Lots of people are lost, abused and neglected from a young age, but they do not turn into psychopaths. They endure. They plan to make a life that leaves all that behind, and when they get the chance, when they _make_ the chance, they escape. Life may not be perfect for them, but they don't hurt other people like they were hurt. You didn't deserve what Fury did to you, and I don't really get why he did it after seeing this video." She shook her head.

"What about Skye?" Fitz asked quietly. Coulson tried to move his head to look at her, but she held him tightly.

"Skye is fine." She told the others. "For whatever reasons, I never suffered the treatment like AC. My memories were not erased, but I am fine." She looked around at the others, knowing everyone was thinking about her 0-8-4 status that she had told them all about earlier. She stepped back from Coulson and looked around at the others.

"I'm glad you shared this." Tripp said. He looked a little embarrassed, but added. "And I'm just plain sorry I doubted you earlier, sir."

"No worries." Coulson replied. He looked around at the others and spoke. "I know this affects how you all see me as a leader. It….it may be hard to not question my orders now…."

"Sir," Jemma spoke up. "I've seen your loyalties now. They are not to Fury or S.H.I.E.L.D. They are to humanity, to doing what's right even when it would be a lot easier to just obey orders. This is the man I want to follow. These are the reasons I want to dedicate my life to." She turned to Fitz and smiled. "And thank you, Fitz, for reminding me of it."

Fitz blushed furiously, but nodded at his lifelong friend in agreement.

"So," Skye grinned as she and May sat back down at the table, "did I tell you guys how Lola rescued me from Deathlok?" Coulson smiled as he remembered. It hadn't been funny at the time, but now he could see the humor. He reddened when he heard May's voice…

"And he actually _paid_ the valet twenty bucks?"

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: I don't own or make money from this.

Chapter 2.

May glanced at Phil as they walked. "Do you think she'll still be there?" She questioned him. He smiled over at her.

"Yeah." He replied as he reached in his pocket and pulled out what looked like a wire.

"What's that?"

"The ignition wire. Do you think I'd leave my baby unprotected?" He told her and she smiled back.

They were on their way to the closest garage. Soon poor Lola would be aboard a flatbed and on her way to the car equivalent of a hospital. As they walked, May decided that their private time away from the others would be a good spot to ask the burning question she had held in abeyance.

"Phil… I don't want to upset you, but I have a serious question." She told him. When he nodded, she began, "I need to know if you've had any of those symptoms that you listed on the video?"

The sun was bright, but it was not so warm that she didn't realize that he began to turn pale and sweat at her question. She realized too late that he was going to his go-to position when it came to her asking personal questions. He stopped walking and faced her, the redness glowing on his cheeks.

"Are you thinking I'm not fit, Melinda?" He asked angrily. She tried to take his arm, but he pulled away.

"No! We've got to get past this, Phil. I'm asking because I'm _worried_ about you. Just for once can you let go of always being in charge and let someone take care of you for a change?"

Coulson glared at her for a moment as he took in her words before his face relaxed again. "You know why I do that, May." He said softly.

May knew about Phil's background. His father, his idol, had been killed in a car accident when Phil was six. The youngster had also been in the car and witnessed his father's last breaths. The biggest tragedy was yet to come though. Phil's alcoholic mom had pretty much emotionally deserted her only child. He was left to his own means growing up, paying the bills, putting food on the table, taking care of her when she was sick from the hangovers. She had never told him he was good. Or that he did something right. He never got a hug or an 'I love you' after his father died. He had learned to take care of himself at a very young age, and that meant depending only on himself when he was hurt or confused. May did realize how hard it was for him to understand that someone could care about his welfare. He amazed her at how well he had turned out. And she knew it had been Fury who had rescued Phil from high school and made sure he got an education in philosophy and logistics. Nick had not taken advantage, but rather opened his young charge's mind to the world around him. But, it was Phil's kind and forgiving nature that had chosen his path in life. To Phil, it was without even conscious thought that he forgave people who made mistakes, that he fought for the little guy, that he offered his own life to save others, and that he had taken in those like Skye because he knew deeply how it felt not to have anyone love you.

"I do know, Phil." May replied as he let her take his hand. "And it's time you realize that, just as you were there for me after Bahrain, I am here for you now."

"Okay." He said. "I promise that I will try. But, know that this is something I've spent a lifetime denying and it might take me a while."

"And that's okay, too." May let him know that she was in it for the long haul as they walked into the garage hand in hand.

Luckily, the mechanic on duty at the small garage wasn't busy and he excitedly raved about the Corvette as he loaded it onto his flatbed tow truck. Lola got her windshield replaced and new tires. He questioned Phil about the added features, but the agent just smiled and said they were just for show and paid him. He lifted the hood and replaced the ignition wire expertly. He and May got in and drove in style back to the motel. Lola still had her dings from the gunshots, but as much as that pained Coulson, he knew they would have to wait.

The group had again gathered around the motel pool. They had paid for one more night and gotten supplies from the WalMart across the street.

"Hey, guys!" Skye said cheerily from her place on the raft floating in the pool. "Come on and join us. We got you swimsuits. They're in your room."

May and Coulson watched the younger agents for a minute before deciding 'what the hell?' May went in the room and changed while Coulson got himself a cold water from the vending machine. He looked up when he heard May coming out of the room and lost it a little at how beautiful she really was. Skye had been right in purchasing a solid black suit that emphasized her tiny, but muscular body. He had to take a moment to settle before he stepped into the room to change.

He looked down at the dark navy trunks that fit him perfectly, and then up at the mirror. The scar that intersected his chest had gradually become less pink and obvious as it healed. He wondered if the others would be grossed out, and seriously considered just putting on a tee shirt, before he realized he didn't have one. The jeans and sweater were his only other clothes that he had stowed in Lola for emergencies. The others had gotten a swimsuit for him and toiletries, but not one tee shirt. Or even a razor. Looking in the mirror now, with the stubbly face and scar he looked like a mercenary in a bad war movie. God, he had never been so self-conscious in his life. He had never been afraid to go without a shirt before. He was well-built and had especially muscular arms, or at least girls had told him that. He didn't carry an ounce of fat on his whole frame so he had a flat stomach as well. So it was really the scar that was causing this he realized. The question now was did he make it a source of pride or shame? He thought about when and why he got it. Besides the horrible T.A.H.I.T.I. program, he had actually received this scar when he was trying, somewhat ridiculously, but still trying to help the Avengers. He had ended up sacrificing his life unintentionally, but the gesture had helped bring them together, and they had won the war. So, seriously shouldn't it be a source of pride for that? He ran a hand down his chest over it and decided that the answer was yes. And if anyone was offended by it? Well, if they were, he would respect that and go over to WalMart himself for tee shirts. He still respected his team too much not to if they were grossed out by it. So, taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked out to the pool. To everyone's surprise, he didn't say a word as he bent and dove into the deep end.

"AC!" Skye screamed as she felt the raft shift under her. He had used the opportunity to swim underwater up to her and was now tipping the raft just enough to dump her. He hadn't had this much fun in forever. He came up laughing at the younger agent as she began to splash water in his face.

"Dammit, I _just_ did my hair this morning!" She shouted in mock anger. Everyone else was laughing at the stunt. To Coulson's great relief, no one really seemed to notice or care about his scar. The team decided to just go for it and take another vacation day. They played around the pool, ordered beer and pizza, and just let go.

At one point May gestured for Coulson to come over to her where she perched on a deck chair. Picking up some sunscreen, she told him to turn around and then she gently rubbed the cream over his shoulders which were turning pink.

"Does the scar hurt to touch?" She asked him softly. When he shook his head no, she rubbed the sunscreen into the scar tissue. He remained amazed that she didn't seem to be affected in any way by its appearance.

"So it doesn't gross you out?" He finally asked. May just snorted.

"Phil," she said firmly. "it's just flesh. It's not like it's an open wound or something. Our scars are just reminders of what we've been through and survived. It makes me actually appreciate you all the more." He nodded, accepting her answer without question for once.

They all lazily watched the sunset, content that tonight was theirs and tomorrow would see them back at work. May told Coulson she was going to take a shower and hit the sack. She walked in the room and dug in her bag for clean underwear and something to sleep in. Realizing that she didn't have any nightclothes clean, she stepped over to Phil's emergency bag to grab a clean tee shirt if he had one. It was something she had done before, and she knew he wouldn't mind. She was digging into the bag when a spiral notebook fell out and lay open on the floor. May reached down to pick it up, but stopped when she saw what was written in it. Her heart thumped harder as she turned the pages staring at row upon row of circles and dashes in Phil's handwriting. What the hell was this? She looked up guiltily when he walked in the door and caught her. Instead of looking angry, he sighed and gave her a cautious look.

"May, you… you asked me earlier if I had any unusual symptoms." He looked almost helpless and ready to cry. "That's your answer right there. I don't know when I do it, or why. I don't know what it even is. I just have an overwhelming need to keep that book and continue writing in it…" His voice faltered. "Does this mean I'm losing it?"

May squared her shoulders and told him the truth as she saw it. "Phil, I can't say yes or no to that question right now. But, one thing is even more important. We have to find out if this means something other than just doodling. We need to know if your subconscious mind is trying to tell us something. Then, and only then, can I truthfully answer your question."

Coulson sagged onto the bed and she joined him hugging him for all she was worth.

"Don't assume the worst. We'll get through this together." She told him.

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off anything. God, that's sad.

Chapter 3.

The team was gathered in Coulson's motel room. Phil stood in a corner. Fitz, Simmons and Skye sat at the table while May and Trip each perched on a bed. The scientists and Skye were perusing the spiral notebook with Coulson's handwritten circles, dashes, and other less uniform shapes.

"This has got to be some sort of code." Fitz said firmly. Jemma shook her head.

"No, I don't think so." She replied. "I'm not sure, but I think it's actually a language, Fitz. Look how there are breaks in between sets of symbols. A code usually doesn't have that." She shook her head in frustration. "It's not a language I've ever encountered though."

"I've run this through the internet," Skye said. "I haven't found anything even close to matching this."

Coulson sighed. "So it's probably some sort of nonsense that my 'programmed' brain is just arbitrarily spitting out." He looked defeated and a bit embarrassed.

"Not true for exactly that reason, Phil." May replied. "Your brain was programmed, yes. And that's why whatever this is means something. If it was nonsense, you would be writing this in English, not some sort of complicated language." She looked at him. "I think that they programmed this into you, and your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Something important."

"What could that be, May?" Tripp asked gently.

May was deep in thought. "We know that you were brought back using alien technology. Is it possible that whatever this is could be related to that?"

"You mean this might be an alien language?" Skye asked her. May nodded.

"I know it's far-fetched, but everything regarding Phil's recovery is. Who's to say that they didn't implant a means of communicating with him since they saved his life?"

Everyone looked around at each other. This was certainly a brave new world whether they were ready for it or not.

"But, why don't I know what it means?" Phil protested. "There's no possibility of communication if I don't understand it."

"We need a Rosetta Stone." Fitz said quietly to the bafflement of the others, except for Jemma who nodded in agreement.

"A what?" Tripp asked.

"The Rosetta Stone was the key to figuring out the Egyptian hieroglyphs." Fitz replied. "It provided text in three languages, but since the text was the same, it allowed translators to figure out the new symbolic language of the Egyptians. What we need is a similar kind of key."

"They look familiar." Skye said suddenly. "I've seen them before."

"Where?" Coulson asked, suddenly feeling hope. But, Skye just shook her head.

"I would need to see the information on that drive I made. The one Ward has." She was angry that she hadn't been able to save it.

"We need to get the plane back." Coulson said firmly. He held up his phone. "I've transferred all my money into one private account with a false name. It's not a fortune, but it will be enough to tide us over for a while. The others stared at him for a moment, but then May spoke.

"I'll do the same, Phil. Who knows what Hydra might do to our accounts if they find them." She looked at the others. "It would be wise that everyone does this, and fast."

The team spent the next hour setting up dummy accounts and transferring their money to keep it safe.

"Okay," Phil said. "I think it's time we go see if our bus is still in L.A. and if it's being guarded." He looked around at the others. "We have icers to use if we need them, but they are not going to take down Deathlok if he's still there."

"I'll lure him off the plane if needed." Skye said firmly.

"Skye…" Phil began, but she interrupted.

"AC, he could have easily killed me before, but he didn't. Unlike Ward, I still think Mike has the potential to be saved. I think we should at least try."

Coulson smiled at his protégé. "Okay," he said. "We give Mike a chance."

They called a taxi for the rest of them while Coulson and May settled into Lola. The group parked in a large airport lot and Tripp, Fitz and May searched the north part of the airstrip while the rest investigated the south side. It didn't take long, to their surprise and relief, to find their beautiful Bus hangared at the north end.

Sitting outside, looking forlorned, was Grant Ward. Through a series of hand signals, Skye got permission to approach him. He looked up and smiled when he saw her. Her stomach turned at the sight.

"Skye, you came back!" He said excitedly.

"Yeah," she replied. "Some unfinished business." At that, she pulled the icer from her pocket and shot him twice just to make sure. While the others tied the unconscious Ward up securely, Coulson, May and Skye entered the plane cautiously. Skye asked them to stay out of sight while she approached Mike Peterson in the lounge. He sat with his back to her.

"Mike, don't turn around." Skye addressed him. "If Garrett can't see me, then I think you'll be safe. Ward's out of the picture. You can be too, if you choose to. Just get up and walk off the plane to the commissary. Get yourself a magazine. You can tell Garrett that you left Ward to guard the plane. You can give us a chance to have our plane back, Mike. You owe Agent Coulson that much at least. You can do this without it affecting Ace. Please, Mike."

So she'd made her appeal, now it was up to him. Skye knew that the others were hidden, but ready to rain down heavy fire on this man if needed. She tried to will him to comply. Mike stood after what seemed like hours to her. She ducked behind a chair so he couldn't see her and gasped as he made his way off the plane. He crossed the now empty hangar and exited the building. Skye breathed a sigh of relief as she watched the others scramble aboard.

"What did you do with Ward?" she asked. Tripp just smiled.

"He'll never bother us again." He answered and wisely, Skye made no further enquiry about the matter. Ten minutes later they were in the air, and for the first time in days things seemed back to normal. Coulson helped inventory their supplies since he no longer had paperwork. He was actually quite content about that. They were only really low on food and ammunition, one they could pick up after they found a remote location to land, and the other would be produced on board, made especially for their icer guns. Everyone took the time to shower and change before May cooked them up a dinner that was really good. Skye looked at Coulson when he came down to join them, and was a little surprised. He had changed into a clean tee shirt and jeans with sneakers. She was the most surprised that he hadn't shaved, but rather cleaned up the scruff into the beginnings of a beard. He smiled at her obvious stare.

"From now on we are undercover, guys." He told them. No more looking like S.H.I.E.L.D. agents if we can help it." He had talked about this with May and she had agreed, foregoing her leather for some black jeans and a light blue shirt.

"Okay then," Fitz joined in, and promptly removed his tie. Jemma and Tripp had already dressed appropriately and Skye just never dressed like a proper agent anyway.

They were relaxed enough to finally eat and thoroughly enjoyed May's cooking. It wasn't fancy, but it tasted great. Later, they agreed to form two teams on the plane. One that would sleep while the other was awake and dressed to be prepared for any danger. Tripp and May were on opposite teams since they were the pilots. Coulson and Skye joined with Tripp to sleep first. That way Fitz and Simmons could work on ammo for the icers while May piloted.

Hours later, May was making her way through the darkened plane checking on Fitzsimmons and making sure everything was functioning properly on the plane. She stopped outside of Coulson's door when she saw the light on.

_Dammit, Phil._ She frowned at the fact that he wasn't getting the rest he needed. As she got closer to his door, she realized it was ajar, so she pushed it open and walked in, not expecting the scene before her. Coulson was curled up against the headboard of his bunk, the spiral notebook on his lap. His face was frozen in concentration and his lips moved silently as he wrote on the page. He didn't acknowledge her presence and seemed to be unaware that she was there. May slowly backed out of the room, turning to get Jemma.

"Jemma," May said when she entered the lab. "I need you now." The young scientist looked up in concern.

"What…..?" She started to respond, but May took her arm and led her up the stairs to stand outside Coulson's room. She whispered to Jemma.

"You're a doctor… and I didn't know what to do." May gestured to the room. "He's in there writing in that book. I walked in on it, but he didn't even know I was there. It's like he's in a trance. I didn't know if I should try to wake him up or just let him finish writing. What do you think?" Jemma had no experience with this phenomena, but she knew about PTSD. She'd seen enough behavior from Coulson to know he suffered from flashbacks and nightmares. It wasn't a good thing to physically interfere with someone in the throes of a panic attack, so she turned to May and answered her the best she could.

"We can let him know we are here, but don't touch him, okay?" May nodded and they entered the room. Coulson was in the same state that May had found him in earlier. The two women shared a glance and then sat down on either side of him.

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: Just playing with Jed and Maurissa's characters for no monetary reward.

**A/N Thanks for the reviews and follows. I can't compete with the master authors, so I just try to keep the story alive for those who like that. Also, I have no idea what was on the chalkboard, just made it up!**

Chapter 4.

May and Jemma sat on either side of Coulson as he wrote. Suddenly, he stopped and dropped the pen. May caught it as it went to roll off onto the floor. He seemed to come out of the trance, but grabbed his head instead.

"What is it, Phil?" May asked softly. He groaned and kept his eyes tightly shut.

"Headache, oh God, make it stop!" He got up from the bed and around Jemma on his way to the bathroom. They could hear him throwing up violently. May looked at Jemma for help.

"I'll get something." She said as she left for the lab. May cautiously opened the bathroom door to find Coulson slumped on the floor still holding his head.

"Phil, come on. You'll be more comfortable on the bed." She slipped an arm under his and pulled him to his feet with surprising ease. Then she pulled him into the bedroom and sat him on the bed. She got a wet towel and tried to run it over his face, but he was stubbornly still gripping his head with both hands. She got a look at his eyes for just a moment, and almost gasped in surprise. Though she knew for a fact his eyes were blue, she couldn't help but be a little distressed when she thought she saw green irises. Just then Jemma returned with a syringe.

"Sir, I know you don't like pain meds, but believe me, this will help." He groaned again and finally spoke.

"Oh, hell yes, Jemma. I can't even see from the pain." He kept his eyes closed while Jemma administered the shot and they laid him back on the bed.

"Still nauseous?" Jemma asked.

"It's getting a lot better." He replied.

"Good. I think it was the pain that was making you sick to your stomach. I gave you the best stuff, so you should be feeling pretty fine soon." She watched as he slid to a sitting position propped against the headboard and looked around.

"Was I writing in that again?" He asked when he spotted the notebook. May, relieved at the sight of his blue eyes, nodded. He frowned and shook his head. "I don't remember…" He looked so lost that May hugged him tightly even in front of Jemma.

"Remember what we talked about, Phil. We take this one day at a time, and we don't jump to conclusions. Just because you don't remember doesn't mean you're losing it. Okay?" She told him.

"Thank you. Both of you." Phil replied tiredly. His headache had settled to a dull throb as the medicine began to work.

Apparently, they had awaked everyone because the others were standing at the open door looking on in concern. Skye tiptoed in and took the notebook from the bed.

"You know, I think this is a sentence or phrase that keeps repeating itself." She showed the writing to Fitz. "See here is where it starts, then ends, and then goes back to the beginning."

"She's right!" Fitz exclaimed excitedly. "It is the same message over and over." He looked at Agent Coulson. "Sir, whoever put this in your brain wants to communicate this to us."

"But, what the hell is it?" Coulson sighed and abruptly got up, swaying just a little. "I…. can you all give me some privacy? I want to get dressed."

"Oh, sir. You really should try to get some rest…." Jemma began, but May took her arm and began to herd the others out of his room. She didn't have to argue with him to know his mind was made up, and unless he passed out on the floor, nothing would get him to rest now.

They made their way down to the control center. Skye started to fiddle with the holotable while the rest stood around running ideas back and forth. They were interrupted by Skye's outburst.

"Holy shit!" She exclaimed and tapped at more pads. "Look, you guys, look!" They turned to the screen which was showing pictures and diagrams with amazing speed.

"What is that?" Tripp asked.

"It's all the information from my drive." Skye answered him. "They must have reloaded the plane's computer with it." They watched for several minutes as the computer loaded, but then came to a stop with only a single picture of a monkey on it.

"And that would be?" May asked a little surprised, but Skye smiled.

"That would be my little surprise for them. I arranged the drive with not one, but two fail safes. This is the second one." She smiled at Fitz. "Dedicated to you, my friend." He and Jemma smiled while May just rolled her eyes.

"This means we have everything back?" Tripp asked expectantly. Skye typed in a new code and the holotable came live just as it had always been.

"Yes!" said Skye triumphantly. The scientists retreated to their lab to get their systems online, Tripp went to check out the weapons and plane in general, and May slipped out heading for Coulson's office.

He was dressed, but leaning against his desk when May entered. He looked up and that look told her all she needed to know. Now was not the time for pity.

"What was all the fuss downstairs about?" He asked.

"Skye got all our information back and the computer is up and running." May replied. She could see the slump of his shoulders as he took in the news. It was like the weight of the world had suddenly lightened.

"Phil, do you have any idea where we should go now?" She asked him gently. He had that open expression that she knew from experience was from fear and indecision. "Look, let's get somewhere safe to land at least. There is a small airfield on the outskirts of Kansas City that would not question us. I know the guy there. We could take the SUV and get some food."

She saw some light come back into his eyes. She truly didn't know how close he had been to giving up, but she had got him back and that was all that mattered for now. He nodded in agreement.

"I'll go tell the others." He said as May left to set a course. The intercom wasn't working yet, so he made the trip from room to room to tell them. They agreed it was a good strategy, and started making lists of what they would need. He ended up in the control center where Skye was working furiously on the computer. He stood watching her. Appreciating what she was doing. He didn't even realize that he sighed until she spoke.

"I am fine, like I said before." She told him, knowing where the sigh came from. It was easy to decode his nonverbal cues after all.

"You're not worried?" He couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Not about me." She told him and met his gaze. He looked down, but then right back up when she whooped in excitement.

"There! There it is!" She grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at the screen. On it was a somewhat blurry view of a chalkboard with symbols sketched all over it. Skye fiddled with the panel and got a much clearer view.

"Do you see it?" She practically yelled, and soon the others came wandering in to see what the fuss was about. Fitz whistled when he saw the screen.

"Where did you get this, Skye?" He asked.

"It's the feed from Akela Amadour's eye." She said. "Remember when Ward went into that building where the scientists were working? This is what they were working on."

Fitz picked up the notebook that Coulson had been scribbling in earlier and held it up to the screen.

"I see it!" May said in awe. "Phil, it's the same writing that you have been doing. I think they have been trying to decipher it too." She turned to him. "You know what this means? This is an actual language that you have been writing. Not doodles or meaningless scribbling. This is something they programmed into you."

Coulson still could not let himself believe. If it was from the aliens, what did they want him to do? He didn't know what it meant. He continued to feel pretty helpless. Then Fitz spoke up.

"Oh, my God. Look over in the far right corner. Those are Egyptian hieroglyphs. Do you think it's possible?" He looked at Jemma. She nodded.

"I think that's how scientists would approach the discovery of a new language." She replied.

"Okay, I'm literally lost in space here." Tripp said dryly. Jemma swallowed and then explained.

"If the text of the alien message is the same as what we see in the hieroglyphics, we can attempt to decode it since we know what the words mean in the one." She looked toward Skye. "Can you get us the hieroglyphs and their English translation?" Skye nodded. It took a few minutes, but she punched an image of the Egyptian alphabet and logograms next to the English translation. Fitz and Jemma stood in from of the screen making comparisons.

"I'll be," Jemma said as they translated.

"What does it say?" Coulson asked. Jemma had written it down and she turned the paper for them to read.

**THE QUICK RED FOX JUMPS OVER THE LAZY BROWN DOG.**

"That's what the aliens are trying to tell me?" Coulson's face was beginning to turn red.

"No, no sir." Jemma spoke up immediately. "It's the alphabet. Every word in the English alphabet is in that sentence. Don't you see? If the alien message is the same, we now have their whole alphabet and can translate what you've been writing!"

Coulson stepped back and stared at them for a moment, letting his mind grasp the enormity of it. On the one hand, he needed to know what the aliens were trying to tell him. On the other, he felt his stomach sink at the thought that, once they knew, it could put his team in more danger. His head began to pound and he exited the room, grabbing the notebook off the table as he went. His world was spinning out of control, and he had to get a grip and make the right decision here.

tbc 


	5. Chapter 5

It Starts With Letting Go

**Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off these characters.**

**A/N Sorry for the delay in updating. I just hit a wall with where I want this story to go.**

Coulson was still pacing his office when he heard May's knock. He could always tell hers from the others. The rest of them tended to knock meekly, almost seemingly afraid of bothering him. May knocked with authority, he didn't think she cared if it was a bother because she knew what she had to say was important. He liked that about her. She was his strength when he doubted himself, and his path when he had lost his way. So he walked over and opened the door and then stood back as she swept into the room.

"Okay, Phil. I've given you some time, but now I want you to give me that notebook." She held her hand out and he sheepishly gave her the notebook. His face was open and worried. She came up to him and ran her fingers through the newly forming hair on the side of his face. She had thought it would be coarse, but it was soft instead.

"I know you fear what this might say." She said, pulling him closer. "But, you have to do this. It may be something very important for you and for the team." He closed his eyes and sighed. He tried to focus on the way her hand felt as she smoothed the hair on his cheek. After a moment, he opened his eyes and nodded, not trusting his voice just yet. He followed as May led the way back downstairs.

Jemma, Skye, Fitz and Tripp were huddled around the holotable. They looked up with surprised and worried faces when May entered with Coulson close behind.

"How's it going?" May asked.

"Well, we can't match up all the letters because the alien language obviously doesn't have the exact same as English." Jemma informed her. Skye broke in.

"But, we have learned some simple words from the translation." She eyed the book in May's hand. "If we had the book there, we might be able to at least see if it has any of the words we translated."

May glanced at Phil and he swallowed hard, but nodded. She gave the book to the team. As the team began to attempt a translation, May noticed Coulson quietly slip away. Going in search of him, she found him in the lounge, a drink in his hand, the bottle of Jameson on the bar in front of him. She took a deep breath and walked over to sit beside him. She didn't think she had ever seen him so dejected. That just wasn't Phil. He always seemed to find the positive in things, even if it meant that he used some pretty black humor to lighten the mood. She watched as he took a sip of the whiskey.

"Does it help?" She asked him. He seemed almost shell-shocked, but he finally acknowledged her presence.

"Not really, but it settles my stomach a little." He finally replied. May decided to go ahead and dive in to a really personal discussion.

"Talk to me, Phil. Where is your head at right now?" She asked him softly. His shoulders stiffened, but then he began to speak.

"I… I thought that I had accepted this whole being dead and then resurrected thing. Turns out that just isn't true. I keep wanting with all my heart to be who I was before. I want to forget the last several months. I want to go back to knowing who and what I am, May. Is that strange after all this time?" He looked at her, the utter devastation and defeat written clearly on his face. May couldn't help herself. She reached over and cradled his hand in between hers.

"It is what it is, Phil. I honestly don't think anyone's ever been where you are now, with the exact same circumstances. Your feelings are yours and they are legitimate. Anyone who doesn't recognize that just doesn't lo… like you. You have a right to feel whatever you feel." She smiled at him. "Don't you think so, too?" He looked wistfully at her.

"Do you remember when you got injured in Kiev that time?" He watched her nod and then continued. "Your leg was so messed up. It took so long to heal that you got so impatient. I remember you telling me that maybe it was time to retire from S.H.I.E.L.D. because you were never going to get better. But, you did." He looked like he was about to cry. "I… don't have that option I guess. I've been changed, and nothing will ever be back to normal."

"Life _is_ change, Phil. When your father died, you were forced to change. There was no going back. When you joined S.H.I.E.L.D. you changed. Now, whether you like it or not, you are changing again." He turned to her and asked the question that haunted him.

"But, I don't think I am still the same man, May. The morals, the values that I've always had, do you think they'll change too?" She took her hand and placed it on his heart.

"What's in here has not changed. I mean it. If anything, you are kinder and more compassionate than ever. I don't think the old Phil Coulson would insist on non-lethal force like you always do. I don't think the old you would have gotten as attached to this team as you have." He sighed.

"Then I guess it's not so bad. But, you'll tell me if I start to seem… different… in a bad way?"

"Of course." May squeezed his hand.

Fitz blew into the room in a state. "You… you gotta come see!" He almost shouted at them. They got up and followed him into the control room. Skye looked up worriedly from the notebook she and Jemma were perusing.

"What is it?" May asked them. Jemma took the lead.

"There's a lot we haven't been able to translate, but we think… well, it's possible that your subconscious is trying to send you a message, sir." Coulson tensed, but put on a brave face.

"Well, what is it?" He asked the young scientist. She and Skye exchanged a look, before Skye spoke.

"What we've got so far is very cryptic, but here it is." She handed him a paper with writing on it. It said:

**I am mahr vehl….. you have a duty a … save humanity… we are one…**

Coulson turned very pale. May and Tripp took a few steps toward him in case he fainted.

"Oh." He said. "Who? What?" Jemma quickly replied.

"We don't know yet, but we will keep trying. Obviously, this is very important."

The group looked around at each other. What was happening affected them all and they were at once frightened and excited to see this through. It had suddenly changed from being solely personal to now involving all of humanity. And they were ready.

The End


End file.
